HALL OF ‘SHEM’

Originally written on March 22, 2013
It was really hilarious, so funny that you could twist the context in so many ways and still achieve the same result you set out for: mad bouts of laughter. After a few days though, it was getting a tad boring; like the broken record you got tired of listening to. But when a BBM broadcast started circulating that the man with the ‘oga at the top’ wasn’t sleeping well due to his televised gaffe and the way people made a meal of it, I got interested. They also said his dear wife went haywire at Channels Television, and uncle Shem (sounds similar to a word that has to do with…shame) was facing a suspension. My curiosity got the better of me so I decided to visit him at his office to find out what was really going on.

I didn’t know how I got into the office but there I was, one on one with uncle Shem and we talked about a lot of crap (depending on how you see it). I can’t keep the conversation to myself though, so here goes…crap:

Me: Morning Oga, how market?
Uncle Shem: Oh will you cut it out already? It’s that blasted oga word got me into this mess in the first place.

Me: Sorry bros, na so we see am o. But what we’re you thinking?
Uncle Shem: Ah, look at this boy o. Don’t you know those Channels TV people? Bloody interrogators! I know you couldn’t see it from your screen but I was sweating a lot; you know the saying that only a discerning person knows a chicken sweats beneath the feathers. I thought it was just going to be a chitchat that will enable me launder the image of the corps but those slimy weasels still got me into this mess. They are worse than lawyers at times.

Me: I’m tempted to agree with you there but they are just doing their jobs. Don’t sweat it though, many government officials have fallen in that very studio; it’s a cauldron.
Uncle Shem: But not that El’ Rufai dude, he’s a puny smartass.

Me: Yes, but don’t let us digress. Did you or did you not know the website?
Uncle Shem: Hope those Channels people didn’t put you up to his sha? Anyway, I didn’t know the name of the website. I didn’t think it was important. I heard someone once say that if you can’t dazzle people with your brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. Now I think that it’s either the person who made that statement was bullshitting but or I’m just no good in that special art.

Me: Yeah I guess that’s apparent. And that your habit of sticking your finger up and down kind of did you in too. Man it was funny, plus it’s a great logo for some apparel designers now.
Uncle Shem: What can I say, I’m an overly expressive person.It helps with emphasis too; people now know that the oga i was talking about isn’t a small fry but a top one. Even Dr. Ebele Jona does it when making speeches, swinging that little finger like he knows or means what he’s saying when he doesn’t. But the way i did when I said ‘dot’, sticking my finger down like the interviewers needed a fingerprint; that’s embarrassing. I pray my kids don’t pick it up.

Me: They said you couldn’t sleep, is that true?
Uncle Shem: Utter nonsense, don’t mind those inane people. How would I not sleep when a nominated minister back then couldn’t properly sing the national anthem in front of the National Assembly? Yeah I know I goofed but I’m not the first and wouldn’t be the last. People have enjoyed their fill of laughter but like everything else in this country, it will pass.

Me: So that also means rumours about the suspension are false?
Uncle Shem: Hehehe, that’s even funnier, and absurd too. For what naa: looking like an ass while brown nosing my oga on national TV, or not knowing the website address of a site I’ve not even visited? My oga knows I’m a good and faithful servant. Even our presido hasn’t divorced our resurrected First Lady for all her ‘UMBRELLA’ antics.

Me: So who sent the broadcast on blackberry, your wife?
Uncle Shem: No oh, just some of my overzealous acolytes who thought you people needed to give their own oga a break; i wonder who sent them. Did it work? I think not; whoever believed that hogwash needs to be landed a high five on the face. I mean, wake the hell up! On the flipside though, you people are an amusing lot – all of us in fact.

Me: How?
Uncle Shem: While I recognise that my well publicised gaffe has lightened hearts with laughter and set of some creative juices in our youths, I don’t understand how most Nigerians could conveniently forget about some pressing issues. Many people simply forgot about the ‘pardon-gate’ and that reeks. It was as if my temporal travail was a distraction from some issue; sort of a let off for my top oga at the top. But I understand what Jona did in his own twisted way. How could he not pardon Alams when he is the fat Bayelsan’s boy-boy. His oga got caught, was impeached, and Jona experienced an unprecedented rise to power. He is the president, an oga in his own right but he has his own ogas at the top too. Everything in this country is skewed, and it will take a lot to change that. But let me not say anything else before…, anyway you get the drift.

However, I still don’t understand how you got in here and see the way I’ve been running my mouth. Get the hell out before I call my boys. But for what it’s worth, our website is http://www.nscdc.gov.ng, that’s all.

END

Note: this never happened; all you have read is a reflection of the jumbled thoughts of the writer (before you will call your oga to say it is something else :p).

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